Monday, March 23, 2015

What happened to my nerve??

As I've grown older I've slowly started to lose my nerve. I don't even know how it happened?? 

For the past few weeks I've been toying with the idea of an extra ear piercing. And every time I go to Canal Walk to do it, I find some ridiculous reason why I just cannot do it right now. My hair is too grey, I still have more weight to lose, I look too mommyish today. Its just crazy. I've had a nose piercing and a belly piercing already just for giggles. And now a little hole in my ear is scary. Suspending yourself with hooks off your back is scary! Free climbing is scary! Come on, a little old ear piercing can not be where I top out on the scary chart. 

Back in the day I would just dive head first into any situation I thought might be cool, interesting, fun but now I think I've become a party pooper stick in the mud kind of person! Oh my Ghad. The more I think about it the more I realise how true that is. When I turned 30 I almost skydived, I had it booked and everything. When I turned 40 I had to have a lay down at a lovely luxurious hotel! Where has my gung-ho crazy self gone to? I've gone and killed it.

This situation requires a serious remedy. I want to say I'm going to do it tomorrow… but then I think I already drove out there today. Seems so silly to drive all that way again. Might as well wait a few days. Build some courage. And there I did it again. Its like an invisible shield. Subconsciously activated. Its exactly like gym. I know I need to go. But I never pack a bag and I always drive to the mall first because … well a girl needs coffee.

At the end of March it will be 1 year since I stopped working. I haven't learnt any discernible skill, developed any artistic talent, or advanced myself in anyway that I could proudly wave a flag for. I've taken a gap year and promptly in the flow lost my nerve.  

How do you reawaken that part of yourself? I love who I am right now. Its taken me a while to get here. I'm accepting and forgiving and loving towards myself. Seems perhaps I've also become to comfortable in the lazy section of myself. I don't know if its just getting older and wiser that makes you realise you don't need that much excitement as you did before. I actually need very little since I get excited when there's a new episode of How to get away with Murder on catchup!

I guess its this stage of life when you relax, enjoy and saviour each moment. When you let life wash over you for a little bit. And when you're done you plunge in and start to swim again.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Super mom

No one can really prepare you for the perplexities of motherhood. When you become pregnant you are so caught up in the glow and wonderment that is your body. And the development of the little person inside you is all consuming. No matter what any other mothers tell you, you just know you will be different and you will try to do things better.

Let me tell you this, you wont. All mothers are in the exact same boat. We all have the same feelings, the same frustrations, the same goals, the same guilt. We make the same sacrifices and worry about the same things. It's the great equaliser for moms. From the moment that baby lands in your arms, your mind is filled with thoughts and questions and preparations for preparations. You have to feed, clothe, bathe, love, hug and devote all of yourself to this cute little kid. Each phase has new challenges. Have you played with them enough, have you taught them enough words, have you challenged them physically. Its a never ending marathon of hurdles to navigate. Just when you figure out how to do it well and have the routine running smoothly like a navy seal team, the bugger gets one year older and suddenly the game changes on the head.

You always feel like you're one step behind since the kid now dictates the play for the day and you dance around trying to maintain the order and rules that you wish them to learn. They learn it alright, as long as you keep pushing your agenda. Push too hard and they will push back, too soft and you will be disregarded like an empty, licked out kinder joy. Every day is different and always unpredictable. 

The thing that struck me the most is how quickly you can swing between being cheesed off about something they did, to feeling guilty for feeling cheesed off. From punishing them to feeling guilty about punishing them! I mean how the hell are you supposed to discipline and teach a kid things when you feel so bad for them. Those doe eyes teary and sad, promises of never doing it again, and apologies for the 10th time. You can forgive anything when you're faced with that. If the transgression is really bad you have to dig deep and go into crazy territory. Thats the only place the face of an angel can't reach you. Even then you have to turn away so they cannot see how funny you found what they just did. 

Yes indeed, the first kid is all about learning the rules and formulating the strategy for the next kid. I'm sure with number two you can see that kid coming from around the corner with his tricks. You get to be in charge and dictate the order of things. But alas, if what the other moms are saying is true… number two comes with an upgraded chip and suddenly whatever you learnt with number one is null and void. Might as well be starting from day one again! Only this time, they have an army and you're alone. Lol.

Yes that's what super moms do. We battle for sanity, appreciation, respect, love, order, discipline, success, achievement, progress. Only we don't fight this battle for ourselves. We fight it for our kids.

Friday, March 6, 2015

Soft underbelly of the beast

Thank you to everyone who has taken a moment to read what I have written and also to those who let me know that they enjoyed it. I really appreciate it. 

There's a certain vulnerability when you expose your thoughts and write them down in an open forum for anyone to read, critique, mock, scoff, whatever. And no matter how confident you might think you are, a simple comment is enough to strike you down at the knees.

Everyone has a soft spot, a weak spot somewhere that if touched upon will bring the person to break in sadness or rain upon you in fury. There are two types of people when it comes to vulnerability. You have the raw type who exposes themselves to you immediately and somehow manage to offload their baggage on you without a moments thought. You have just been used as a free therapist, you think you have helped them but instead they have helped themselves to you and your mind. I love those types. You just know that they are fat, stupid, fearful, broke, whatever within minutes of meeting them because they told you. In an instant you connect with them because they decided to show you their underbelly. 

On the other hand you have the ones who lock their weaknesses away. Even from themselves. They build a fortress around it. Protect it. Defend it from perceived exploitation. Perhaps they are embarrassed or ashamed. Perhaps they feel others won't understand unless they are exactly the same kind of person. I have met a few people like that. You never really get to know them. Just the parts they allow you access to. Heaven forbid you try to pry your way into a restricted level. No free therapy. No thank you.

Who knows what results in the creation of either of those types of people. Neither of them is better than the other. Its just how life has played out. Humans are such interesting creatures. Someone once said to me that the creation can never understand the Creator. Imagine for a second how complex we are. Each of us individually has an infinite amount of complications. So when for a moment you can truly connect with someone it is an amazing accomplishment. 

So many people in the world with all their different, weird and interesting characteristics, so when you reach out its like shooting an arrow in the dark and hoping for the best. As long as you don't hit the underbelly, you'll be just fine.