deaTh to pErfection,

Writing the heading that way drove me nuts.

I always thought that being a perfectionist was an awesome quality. Everything you touched turned out rock solid. Reliable. Dependable. When you are involved, everything turns out exactly as planned. Except. Does it really? Being a perfectionist creates an awful lot of pressure and tension. Makes every task stressful and cumbersome. You overthink things and constantly try to bring things back to the way it should be to be perfect instead of letting it flow and discovering a brand new outcome. A version you did not anticipate. But perfectionists cannot handle quick changes. I know i cannot. Surprises leave me filled with angst and anxiety, asking myself am i going to like it, am I going to hate it? Am i going to have to pretend to be ok with something I am not sure about yet. 

Thats the mind of the perfectionist. We know what we like and why. And what we loathe and why. Everything gets sampled, classified, labelled and filed away neatly and kept orderly for later referral. My perfectionism has even kept me from partaking in anything i cannot guarantee success in. I would rather try it quietly where no one can see me fail. Non participation is easier to deal with than public failure. No one likes to lose. But is losing that bad? Why do we shy away from losing? Why is failure and coming last such a huge deal? No one remembers the losers. But come to think of it who remembers the winners? After a certain amount of time it is all the same. Inconsequential. 

How hard would it be to actively seek out something to fail at everyday. You would actually have to live outside your head for once. Because inside your head everything is an organised symphony. Its a safe space without pressure or disappointment. I saw a video once where someone sought out rejection every day. He decided to push himself into his fear of failure by asking strangers everyday for something he knew they were more prone to reject than agree to. The experiment yielded results he had not imagined. He had not been rejected as much as he had imagined he would be. And when he was it did not feel as bad. 

What is a life well lived if we do not actively seek to evolve. As time goes on we learn more about ourselves and we notice the things that make us better and the things that hold us back. The less time you have left makes the change within yourself even more pressing. 

My hurdles of perfectionism and procrastination are the biggest reasons why i feel stumped. Now i cannot remember what it feels like to be free of your own restraints. My release mechanisms have become locked over the years. Just like the YES man movie i have to make a drastic effort to break it loose. I am going to try eating rejection biscuits every day. Dear God, please keep me from curling myself into a ball in the corner and muttering to myself about squirrels stealing my truth. I will not give up. I will not stop until I have released myself from my own mind shackles. Rage, I will rage.

“There is no way to genuinely, powerfully, truly love yourself while crafting a mask of perfection.”     Vironika Tugaleva