2: A party

Today I decided to challenge myself by going to a party and staying longer than I would have and relaxing my routine. I ended up having a great time. Khaira ended up playing outside in the sand and later in the dark. It was fun. And completely opposite to how I always imagined it would be. Not too scary a day but still challenging myself. I'm gonna have to kick it up a bit to scary wary tomorrow. I might just try learning to ride a bicycle... Oooh... I'm bad ass.

Day 1 : Khaira's room

I promised myself that from today for one year, I will do something scary every day. For my first day.... My daughter will sleep in her own room instead of in ours. I've had her bed setup for a few months now but never had the courage to do it. Well, I did it! She is in her own room and sleeping like a little hobbit in a hole. It involved a bit of cajoling and a new baba with a baby pram but hey she is in her room. Mission accomplished. It may not happen again tomorrow but I did it today. Ok just kidding. No I'm not. Out.

When you find your dreams intimidating you...

Be afraid. Take action. Do not allow yourself to become one of the many who watch their dreams drift away on a wayward current.

So many of us dream every day. Every moment of everyday. We wish, we yearn, we ache. We envision how things should be. How we would mould it and make it happen. But thats just it, it remains a dream. Why? Why are we so afraid of what might be. What might happen if we made an effort to make it real. Is it fear of failure. Perhaps its more than that. Its fear coupled with the lack of energy or appeal that prevents us from even making an effort. To dream and make an excuse as to why it cant happen is way easier than making an effort and failing. Heaven forbid we need to continue making the effort all the time, the thought of all that continual trying is already tiring me out. Instead standing on the sideline of life, living an average life with average fulfilment is the lot of many of us. Not everyone will achieve greatness, since not everyone aspires to it.

If we are not trying to make our dreams come true, we are not living. We are huddling in a corner. Soon we will be bitter and resentful. We will be envious of those who are making their dreams happen. We will be hardened and disillusioned because we have lost touch with the fulfilled dream.

There is hope however, we are all adaptable, evolving human beings. We are tenacious and resilient and when faced with the right situation can be pretty stubborn. All we need to do is channel that energy towards the dream. Chip away at the wall between this moment and that. Soon a little glimmer will appear. Then the wall will fall and the true light of your souls purpose will shine upon you and eventually through you.

So dream a big dream. Dream the biggest dream. Dream far and wide. Wrap yourself in it and dive into it freely and unencumbered. Once you do that you wont be able to see where you end and your dream begins.

You will be truly alive.

Finding yourself is one of the hardest things you will ever do...

Since the day you’re born you are surrounded by ideas and projections of who you should be. Who you are meant to be, who you should aim to be. Your parents define you as their child, your siblings define you as their sister/brother, your friends define you, your neighbours define you, heck even your pet defines you! And when you interact with them you have to assume the preconceived role they have concocted in their minds for you. No wonder so many people feel pressurized all the time, you can’t say no, you shouldn’t make a fuss, you should be easy going and accommodating all the time. That is not the way to finding yourself.

The only true way to find your inner being is to quieten the noise, the voices, the sounds of those around you. Those that seek to influence you to their way of thinking, those that have predefined ideas of you and how you should behave. It is only when you are truly alone that you start to hear your soul’s song. The one that says I don’t like eating that, I love listening to that, more colour, more air, more freedom... when the only person you have to please is yourself. I always wondered why the road to happiness was about knowing yourself and knowing what you want. I always thought if I don’t know what I want, I might as well do what you want.... I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Everything in your life is there because you choose it to be so. You look a certain way, dress a certain way, speak a certain way etc etc all because you have chosen it. Imagine that you had no idea what you wanted from your life, you’d be a sad sorry mess of everyone’s crazy/boring ideas. Sometimes you don’t realise you are at that point, sometimes you see someone blissfully living a dream and they have no idea that they are even asleep. They are alive but they are not living. Their soul songs are so dim that it is blown away in the wind.

The biggest hurdle on your journey you will face is fear. It is the fear you feel inside yourself because suddenly you don’t have the comfort and security of having someone else decide for you. You have to be responsible for your own destiny. You have to be strong and step outside of your boundaries. The beauty of this is once you embrace that challenge you could never surrender yourself again. You have to hand yourself over to fate and accept that no matter what happens you can handle it and it will make you soar. This is the point when fear turns to trust. And that is the biggest reward of finding yourself. Trusting yourself and following your instincts which are now very clear to you.

Life cannot be lived in isolation though. Some people find more happiness and contentment in being by themselves so much that they never go back to being part of a functional society. Perhaps it’s the disdain they feel for society’s great pressure for conformity. As a mass of people we suffer from group think. Where if you are different you are ostracized and cast out for causing distress and fear amongst the living dreamers. Should you ever find yourself at this point, look around for there are many, many more people in the world just like you that would rather be different than be the same. They will embrace you and accept you for who you are, not for who they would like you to be.

Be true to your soul song for it is the only key that can unlock your happiness.

Listen to yourself, know yourself, be yourself.

To Caesar or not to Caesar?

Is giving birth naturally a proud flag to wave as a woman? One that is meant to be waved higher than all others?

Have we started taking credit for our bodily functions? High five for a bowel movement! Hey wow, you made your nails grow! Now I KNOW giving birth naturally is not something to be taken lightly. But does it diminish you in any way if you have never experienced it? Some women do not get to choose their preferred method of child delivery, it gets thrust upon them. Nature chooses which way you will go. Allah chooses the path that is laid out before you. What about mothers who adopt, who never get to be pregnant, who never get to give birth?

Who are we to say which method gives you more credit as a woman? Are we not focussing on the wedding day instead of the marriage? I have heard women say you’re not a real woman unless you give birth naturally. I have heard women profess that natural childbirth is one of their proudest triumphs. Am I in the wrong company? It certainly feels like it. One woman’s triumph would make it another’s disappointment and that is not how I wish to feel about childbirth. The result of childbirth matters way more than the road you take to get there.

Whatever your arguments or justifications are for taking either route, let your mind be at ease, that no one really gives a hoot except you! So choose with your heart, your mind and your baby’s health at the forefront. A safe healthy baby in your arms at the end of the day is the objective of your pregnancy. And if you come across someone who arrogantly professes their brilliance because they have managed to give birth naturally, and claim it as their own achievement, feel pity for them. For they have completely missed the objective of becoming a mother.

Preparing for a baby is not easy!

My only piece of advice is : Don’t listen to ANY advice!

Wait till the last to get your stuff they say, well now i’m too tired to waddle through the shops trying to pickup what I need. Trust me. No one store ever has everything you need. So i’m sleepy and feeling too irritated to enjoy the sweet moment of acquiring what I need for my little sweetheart that’s about to appear in my life.  :)

The horrid thought that I might just end up being that mom that “borrows” things from her neighbour in the hospital since she forgot a few things, is what keeps me motivated and keeps me going!

Another thing. How is it that everything you need for your baby is in super miniature size but it costs more than grownup stuff?? I could buy a blanket to cover my house with a zip and clips for the windows and it would still be cheaper than a baby sleeping bag. (that has no sleeves btw!) I’m taken aback. You can make a fortune off baby goods! Parents are so caught up in the baby love bubble that they’d easily fork over their monthly budget for a pram/car seat combo ie a travel system. Even the big car makers like Ferrari, McClaren, Jeep are all recognising the hidden potential in flaunting shiny wheely padded prams under our noses. Prams are the sports cars of the modern parents. If you can’t drive a two seater Porsche, you’ll be damned if you can’t have that new 3 wheeler buggy/jogger pram. Just make sure you pay attention as to how to close that big boy or you’ll be stuck at the mall way past closing and way past that point of no return when insanity overwhelms rationality.

Good luck packing your baby’s compactum. Oh yes, you’re gonna start off thinking you don’t need a compactum you’ll be doing things differently, your own way. But soon you will succumb to the mania of the baby nursery! It has to be painted and kitted with brightly coloured stuff! Decorate the walls, decorate the cot, more colour, more pillows, a chair we need a chair, etc etc its like an epidemic. Somewhere in that process you lose yourself and you become exactly what you promised yourself you wouldn’t be.... a parent obsessed with giving her child everything you think she needs. The excitement builds everyday as you move closer to the birth date. Everyday you slide a little more, every day you get caught up a little more and suddenly you’re staring at the 3 wheeler travel system parked in your baby’s nursery that is now better equipped than a baby store at the mall.

The most amazing transformation you will undergo is one you don’t even realise is happening... when you stop thinking of yourself as the most important person in your world. Your little unborn baby is suddenly the centre of your world. You no longer buy sky high vertigo inspiring high heels. You no longer browse the sites for the latest trends, but rather for baby rompers and cute little baby shoes. Everything you wear has to be roomy enough to accommodate your bundle of sweet joy. You don’t care that you no longer look the same or feel the same, walk the same, eat the same, sleep the same. You’d gladly give over everything you are to make sure she’s healthy and safe.

Becoming a parent is certainly the most selfless, most strenuous, most demanding thing anyone could ever do. But ask any parent and they all say the same thing... i’d gladly do it again. Many times over...

And so would I... :)

Cancer by Andrew Adar

Mommy is the most beautiful woman in the world

Ok maybe my world is small cause I’m 8
But her face lights up when she smiles
Her eyes shine
Or at least they used to
Her skin so soft and her hands so gentle
No wasted away, all skin and bones
My dad never cries but he cried today till his tears were dry
And he just sat and shook, shoulders stooped and bent
Shaking silently moaning till his strength was spent
And my sister 13 looked like she was about to burst
Burst wide open and scream and shout and vent
But when dad had nothing everybody else just kept quiet
Cause of the cancer, her skin was yellow
Her hair all gone
And now they’re trying to make her look like my mother again
By putting make up on
Whats the use of putting on lipstick and blush and eye shadow
When all she does now is lie there still not moving in that wooden box
Tomorrow we’ll bury her in the ground
Dad says we can come visit
But I think he was saying that more for himself than us
Cause moms gone now. Gone forever. Grown ups keep saying to a better place
But nobody can show me where
If I could get directions I’d ask dad to drop me off
So I could visit her there.
She looks so thin and her eyes dull
I remember sometimes holding her head
Stroking her, so she could throw up
Like she used to hold my head in the bathroom when I got sick
From flu or chicken pox or something like that
But I had to hold her, stroke her hair
That hurt the most
She’s the strongest person I know. Or she was
This isn't fair!
At first I used to brush it for her
Then bit by bit it started to fall
Then it was all gone and eyebrows and all
One time I came into her room from school
I really hate hospitals, everybody there
Wants to be somewhere else but cant leave
I like they're all dying like my mother
Little by little each day
SO I came to visit one day and opened her door
I forgot to knock and the nurse was bathing
And I walked in and screamed from shock
All she was was skin and bones
And when she turned to look at me she looked like a ghost
I couldn’t go back for days and had nightmares for nights
I cried and cried so bad my teachers even asked me to stay home
Day was a wreck and didn’t know what to do
My sister got angry and shouted at me
But she didn’t even have a clue
Have clue that I took a picture from the living room
And slept with that under my pillow in bed
But even a picture of my mom way back when
Couldn’t get that ghost picture out of my head
It got say bad my dad tried to drag me to the car the next visit
But I couldn’t get out at the hospital and he was to tired to force me
But I went back the next day, and the moment I saw her I threw myself into her arms
Cause dad had come back with a letter scribbled by her loving weak hand
It said “Nunu, you don’t have to come inside to see
don’t worry if you said I look like a ghost.
Hugs and kisses be a big girl for daddy
Remember mommy loves you most”

I have that note, and I’m looking down at it now
And I look at my mother’s body and daddy’s still shaking quietly
There’s tears stains on it.
How long have I been in here
Who cares I cant remember
I cant even remember my mommy’s voice without the pain
Except when I read the scribbled words

But like mommy said be strong for daddy
So I get up, and take the most special thing to me
In all the world, its all I have left of her being strong
I kiss, walk up to dad and it put it in his hands
And then my turn to shake while I hold him crying for very long