Where I am vs Where I thought I'd be...

When I resigned from work about a year ago, I had all these ideas of what I would do with all this newfound freedom. I planned to study, revamp my home, straighten out the extra curves on my body, take more pictures, make more friends, read more books... the list goes on and on. And the reality is I've dabbled a bit in some (by a bit I mean I put it on another mini list which I carry in my handbag) and straight out ignored the rest.

Made me wonder what am I meant to do with my time? Who am I meant to be? Or am I that person already?! I cant be. It feels as though I'm short of the goal. Way short. After all these years I still feel like I did in high school where I have no idea what to do with myself?

After a number of years you realise the things you love the most are the things you accumulate a lot of knowledge about, for instance if you liked cars you'd know what Jeremy Clarkson was saying when he was mumbling on that infernal show. So it stands to reason the stuff you know is the direction you should take yourself. Cause that's what everyone says, follow what you love. I love shoes. I love fashion. I photos of fashion. I love jeans, I love denim. I love leather. I love shiny. Am I just a regular girl or is there something more in there?

I also love to write, I love to read. Perhaps its that I love to hear the sound of my own voice inside my head reading what I write. So I ask, when all the have to do's are done, what is left on your list of want to do's?

An art teacher once said to me, art happens when you keep doing something that speaks to you. If you want to make circles, just keep making circles. Eventually the circles assume a life of their own and find the place where they wish to be.

So I think I will write. And I will Pin. Cause I think life without pinterest would just be dull dull dull.
Somewhere along the line I think perhaps I will write a book about denim trends, denim history, denim weaves and denim makers. And take pictures of denim wearers and their interpretations of the art that is denim.

And maybe one day you'll see my denim covered denim book on a coffee table somewhere and be reminded that whatever silly thing you like is your circle and that you should just let it be.

31. Adult invite vs kid invite

Today I happened to overhear two, what looked like 18 year old, guys talking about getting together after the fast. It was all so formal and uncomfortable that I could only assume that one of them didn't like the other one. Why else would two teens extend such a sober, adult invite? It just seemed wrong somehow. This got me thinking about the way adults extend invites to hang out and the way kids do it.

Kids don't think about whether the house is clean, whether you have enough snacks, what kind of entertainment you need, whether you're in the mood for company. All they care about is enjoying having someone to hangout with. Someone to dream with and have adventures with. Extending an invite for kids is a simple question : come over. It's not even a question it's a valid assumption.

Yes the argument is that kids have no responsibilities, no jobs, no money, no kids, ... the list is endless. But it stands to reason that if everyone has those issues, we are all still the same people with the same things in common. So the playing field is still the same. So where does the complicated invite come in? Do we not like each other. Or are we so competitive that we cannot show weakness.

Seems to me that the older we get the more we complicate our lives. We are striving towards simpler lives but end up getting tangled in the complications that we create. Each time you second guess yourself, make an excuse, put things off for another day, you're moving further away from a simplistic life. Simple lives are more black and white than grey. You know that you know the answer before you say it. It's that filter in your mind that changes the initial thought from an honest, fearless one to a complicated fearful one.

Keep things simple. Keep things kind. Spend more time loving each other. Peace.

30. Whats in your head

Everyone is in their head, its just the degree of occupation thats different.

We all do it. Our mind drifts, we think about the past, dream about the future. And all the while we are missing out on the present. This moment, right now. When we tune out, we lose out.
So try your best to be present in your life. Or your life will be something that happened while you were dreaming.

Somewhere along the way while writing these posts I stopped challenging myself. I lost my scare factor. I have a million excuses as to why I am unable to do anything but the truth is I have no idea what to do. I've hit the wall. I'm the guy in run fatboy run. And I'm facing the wall right now.

I feel as though I've run out of the easy challenges and the only ones that are left are the tough ones like riding that bloody bicycle...

I've got to find some motivation. I can't be done yet, I've hardly even begun. This is why I suppose you can never be in charge of your own challenges, you will inevitably end up not challenging yourself any longer.

I can't give up. Run fatboy run.

29. Breathing the air of me time.

Finally got a chance to have some alone me time. No husband, no kid, no company. Just me and my unrestrained thoughts. I love spending time alone. It keeps me in tune with what I like. I follow my instincts and eat what I like, buy what I like, walk where I like for as long as I like! It's fantastic.

So I spent the afternoon at canal walk. Even though the mall was buzzing with month end shoppers, their kids, trolleys etc it was great. Moving around by yourself even amidst the crowd is quick and easy. What a blissful afternoon:)

28. Hair today, gone today.

Time for a radical change. A new haircut. :) chopped off at the ears and loving it! Hair needs to breathe. It needs to be refreshed and released from all that dry crackled ends that ruin its shiny day. So goodbye to the 'mommy' pony tail, hello short fresh funky bob.

Hopefully with this shorter hair my ears will be more open to not only listening but hearing and understanding. Many a times I've been told I'm a bad listener... This is the time for change. I hear you (mostly Garieth, my amazing understanding husband).  Sometimes we are so caught up in the wonderment that is finding a love that makes you feel complete on another level, that you forget that you also have to work at yourself and at the relationship. Listening is a big part of that. Listening to yourself for yourself and listening to and for your spouse. Word.

Being listened to, is so close to being loved that most people cannot tell the difference. 
~David Oxberg

27. Ill

Nursing a sick baby doesn't leave you much time to be ill yourself. So I've been crushed by the cold winter and succumbed to the flu. All priorities are suddenly rearranged to accommodate the healing process.

When I first heard of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, it made some sense but I had no idea of its practical implications and how it becomes a way of life. But now I see it all the time, everything gets assigned its time and its priority and we do it without even thinking. It's like a human code. If you can identify which need requires fulfillment you can manipulate anyone! Like machines.

Anywhooo, I have loads of reading to do. Snacks to devour, series to watch and of course some sleep in between.

But before that I leave you with a question... In an episode of SCC a robot stated that humans are ultimately flawed since we can store infinite amounts of information but when we die its all gone. So my question is, if you had the opportunity would you download your brain?

Personally I think a clean slate works better, but it could be my aversion to all things technological. Imagine all the storage, power and cabling required for such an exercise? Perhaps sometime in the future we will be offered a choice. Who wouldn't love to experience a childhood moment again, or see someone they've lost? Imagine you could page through your memories? Imagine.

25 & 26. Absolutely nothing happened

Sometimes life happens in between exciting events and one has no crazy adventures, no excitement, no hoo-rah. That's just how it is. It took me a long time to understand that. I used to feel that something amazing needs to happen everyday for life to have true meaning. But life has its own meaning. It doesn't need you trying to redefine it. It already is how it is meant to be.

We need time to process, time to grow, time to accept ourselves and the changes around us. And that is what the quiet times are for. Reflection. If we only experienced and never followed up with a thought, we would never change. The change is inevitable for everyone, it's how you manage it that matters most. Always envision the person you wish to be and in the quiet time readjust your path towards that goal.

The rest of the time, life is a motorbike ride with no hands! :)